It’s finally happened. I’m falling apart. Some think it’s funny. Others think intervention is in order. Me? Well, I’m caught in the middle so I don’t know what to think. It was suggested by a yoga man that I reveal 10 things about my past to cleanse my soul and give birth to a new me.
Hang on. It ain’t pretty:
1) When I was eight years old I peed on an electric fence. The shock left me overly cautious about hot women.
2) At the tender age of 18, I went to my prom with the mother of my cousin’s sister’s mother’s step-daughter who was half removed from my brother’s sister-in-law’s aunt. I’m still getting counseling for that one.
3) When I was 28, I tried dating two women at once. When one found about the other, the hospital bill totaled over $3,000. I still walk with a limp and talk in tenor.
4) Four days into my 32nd birthday, I asked my fiancée to marry me. The night before the wedding my priest broke a cardinal rule and informed me that she was a he. I’m still getting counseling for that one.
5) During a Rolling Stones concert, I pinched a woman’s butt who seemed to be “letting it all hang out.” I got beat up by four of her lady friends. I met her again two days later. She was conducting the interviews for a job I desperately needed. It was the low point of my working career.
6) When I finally did land a decent job, I met Mindy who worked three offices down from mine. We hit it off splendidly. On the day I got the nerve to ask her out, I was riding the elevator alone to the fourth floor. It was the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday. Kielbasa, sauerkraut, beer, chicken wings, Tostitos, beer, scallops, and bean dip all had mingled, the combination building to volcanic proportions. I couldn’t help it. As the elevator door opened to the second floor, Mindy stepped in. I winced. She convinced the cleaning crew that it was my fault she got sick to her stomach. I was another year into bachelorhood.
You know, to hell with the Yoga man. I’ve just managed to depress myself all over again without even trying. I hope a thousand hummingbirds nest in his hair.
Me? I’m gonna have another beer.
Steamed Broccoli with Pepper Jack Cheese Sauce
½ head broccoli florets
1 cup milk
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons flour
½ pound Velveeta Pepper Jack cheese (cubed)
Steam broccoli until tender (approximately 5 minutes). While the broccoli is steaming, melt butter in a medium saucepan. Stir in flour until well mixed. Slowly add milk and stir until thickened Stir in cubes of cheese. They’re like butter and will melt quickly. Stir until smooth. Serve over steamed broccoli.
