With the opening of trout season in Pennsylvania as close as a fly to a half-eaten hamburger, I wanted to impress a new date with my prowess at catching nightwalkers. An avid fisherlady, I thought no better way to worm my way into her heart than to bring out the real man in me; animalistic, hunter style.
Amanda came to my house the night of the hunt as I wanted her to see me in action. Actually, I was hoping for a little action at midnight.
Equipped with a flashlight and an empty soup can, Amanda followed me into the cool April night. As I scanned the grounds with the light, I quickly caught the glimmer of a worm body. Handing Amanda the can, I crouched as low as a middle-aged body could go. It was a good one – plump and meaty.
When I thought the creature wasn’t looking, I attacked. Grabbing the worm just behind the head (it’s difficult to tell with worms), a cry of victory echoed through the night. But victory was short-lived. As I tugged at the worm to loosen it from its hole, it tugged back and slipped through my fingers. Gone. I sat on the ground, perplexed.
Amanda giggled. “Slimy critters aren’t they?”
Without reply, I dropped to all fours in search of another worm. My night depended on it. I didn’t have to crawl far. Before me lay the biggest worm I had ever seen, twice the size of the one that got away. With the swiftness of a snake, I struck Bulls eye! But something wasn’t quit right. Instead of the worm tugging from one hole, it was tugging from two. Shining the light closer, I got to within a few inches of my prey. Too late for concession, I realized I had been compromised – an act of copulation! With that realization came two words no worm hunter wants to howl – “Worm sperm!” I ditched the worms and my flashlight, wiping my eyes in disbelief.
Big mistake. Huge.
If you have never wiped your eyes after a worm act, it’s a lot like crazy glue. My eyelids wouldn’t shut. My sockets soon began to sting from the onslaught of night air. Rushing to house, I grabbed an enema syringe and tried desperately to flush the lids with water. No relief. Amanda, amused by the scene, gently rubbed my eyelids until they separated from the rest of the skin on my face. It would be the only rub I got that night.
Guys, unless you are experienced in the art of catching worms, stimulate the economy and go buy them. Trust me, it’s an investment that will pay off in more ways than one
Scalloped Potatoes and Ham
2 large potatoes (sliced thin)
2 cups of cooked ham (sliced in small chunks)
1 large onion (sliced thin)
½ cup shredded cheddar cheese
1 stick of butter (sliced in ¼ inch sections)
1 pint of heavy cream
1 ½ cups of milk
Flour
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Coat with cooking spray a roasting pan or 9×11 casserole dish. Spread a single layer of potatoes on bottom of dish. Add one cup of ham spread evenly. Separate half the onion “rings” and top the ham. Sprinkle the cheddar cheese on top of onions. Add ½ stick of sliced butter alternately over top of onions. Sprinkle flour over top of entire dish. Repeat the process. (You will only have enough cheese for the first layer.) When the second layer is complete, pour cream and milk over top. Bake covered for 45 minutes. Remove from oven, stir the entire dish thoroughly, until sauce begins to thicken, and return to oven for another 20-25 minutes. Bake until potatoes are done and sauce is thick. Salt and pepper to taste.
