I was on the Internet a few weeks ago and found what I thought to be an intriguing site. The opening line of the website shouted “How do I know if she’s attracted to me?” I jumped up and down like a monkey ready to play: It was a website dealing with body language.

Bachelors are always seeking knowledge to counter the intuitive nature of women, a phenomenon that puts men at a distinct disadvantage.

The following is a list of “body language signals” this cyber-guy said any date would supposedly portray to “cue me in as to her being attracted to me.” His list went as follows: 1) “Pay attention to her eyes. One sign of attraction is when her eyes are open really wide.” 2) “When you are speaking, she will lean her body toward you.” 3) “She will play with her hair and lick her lips.” 4) Lastly, this “expert” wrote, “She wants a kiss if, when you walk her to the car, she lingers and keeps talking and looking at you. What you do then is go in, move towards her lips, and see what she does. Then pull to the side and give her a hug. This will create tension. If she then talks more, look at her, touch her face and move in for the kiss.”

I met Laura shortly thereafter at a wine-tasting party hosted by an acquaintance who married one of my ex-girlfriends. There was an instant attraction thing going on with Laura that most bachelors feel when their lonely, pitiful lives are at a standstill. I asked Laura to dinner the following night and she accepted. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to put into play my new-found skills at reading body language.

The date went fabulously, so it seemed. I carried the list the Internet expert had prescribed and checked it periodically to see how the date was progressing. Everything seemed right on cue. At the end of the night, Laura lingered near her car and kept talking with me (tip number four). With all the confidence of a bull let out of the barn in the spring, I moved toward her lips and suddenly pulled to one side and gave her a hug. She continued talking and I touched her face and moved in for the kiss just as instructed. That’s when all hell broke loose.

“What in Sam hill’s holy mislead creation are trying to do?” Laura screamed, slapping my face with a right hand that packed a boxer’s wallop.

“I was going to kiss you! I exclaimed.

“What the hell made you think you could kiss me, you pervert!”

I quickly pulled my list from my shirt pocket: “Your eyes were really wide open when you were talking to me at the dinner table,” I explained.

“My contacts were dry, you idiot,” she retorted.

I scanned the list again. “But Laura, you played with your hair and licked your lips!”

“I was ready to pull my hair out because I was so damn hungry and we weren’t being served,” she quipped. “And my lips were parched,” you imbecile. “They couldn’t even serve us water!”

I nervously referred to tip number two: “Well… well, when we were talking at the table you leaned your body toward me,” I stammered.

“I have hemorrhoids you insensitive jerk!” she snapped back. “I have to lean when I sit.” With that, Laura kicked me in the kneecap, climbed into her car and floored the gas pedal, pelting me with tiny gravel rocks that felt like buckshot.

Lesson learned. If you need some Internet “coach” to tell you whether or not a woman likes you, hang it up for awhile.

Desperation breeds desperation.

Biscuits and Sausage Gravy

1/2 pound sweet ground sausage

1 package biscuits

2 packets (1.2 oz.) of country style gravy

This one’s pretty easy too. You can find pre-made biscuits in the refrigerated section of your favorite grocer. In one of the other isles, you can find packaged gravy mixes. Cook your biscuits according to the package directions. In a frying pan, brown the sausage and drain. In a saucepan, prepare gravy mix according to directions. When gravy is warmed through, add sausage and simmer about two minutes. Top biscuits with gravy. Goes great with eggs.