Brenda sat reading on a park bench during a quiet sunny afternoon in a wooded park in downtown Cheeker’s Bluff, Montana. I knew her name because she was a friend of a guy who worked for the brother of the boss who owned the sanitation company that cleaned the park who happened to be my beer buddy.

I watched Brenda everyday during that month of August as she enjoyed her lunchtime reading, soaking in the summer sun. She always had a book in hand, alternately reading and feeding the little furry gray squirrels that bounded about her feet looking for handouts.

When you’re a bachelor, and certain situations involve a woman, you do what you have learned to seize a moment; whether from watching television, reading books, or listening to married friends, you draw upon past understanding. And buried somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I knew a dog would win the heart of this woman (unlike a small child in a grocery store).

As usual, Brenda sat reading this particular afternoon casually tossing a cracker, now and again, to the colony of squirrels that had become her friends. I climbed out of my car and nonchalantly strolled to the passenger side where Peanut sat anxiously waiting, panting, and eager to explore the park; Peanut was a mixed breed I had rescued from the animal shelter the day before with this day in mind. No one at the shelter was sure what mix he was, but promised he was a darling dog women would adore – a real killer, the guy assured me with a wink.

I hooked Peanut’s leash to his collar and wiped the slobber from the dashboard – Peanut was bigger than the name would suggest for a dog. He was more the size of a goat. I checked my hair in the side-view mirror, gave my pal a pat on the head, and began the leisurely walk through the lush green grass toward the park bench. Peanut tugged hard at the leash as we headed for my princess in paradise.

As we approached the bench, Brenda looked up and gracefully folded her book. “Oh, what a pretty dog,” she said as we drew near.

“Why, thank you,” I responded, again patting Peanut’s head. I was beaming over the fact that I was a genius.

“I just love animals and…” Brenda’s words were broken like a bad baseball bat as Peanut pounced on the crackers and quickly turned them to crumbs. Rattled, Brenda darted behind the bench as Peanut barked wildly at the empty cracker pack. I jerked his leash to settle him down; the look I got in return read “skin.” I dropped the leash and jumped to join Brenda behind the bench.

Peanut was in a state of pandemonium.

From out of nowhere, a belligerent young squirrel made a mad dash toward a crumb in the grass.

Brenda threw up a hand in horror.

I turned my head.

Peanut choked on the tail.

Brenda bolted.

I sobbed.

Peanut puked.

I never did see Brenda again. The incident, however, spoke volumes for television, bad books, and married friends.

A monk recently offered me a tour of the sanctuary he’s lived in for nearly forty years…

Tuna and Noodle Express

1 can (10 3/4 oz.) Campbells cream of mushroom soup

1 can of milk

1 can of tuna in water (6 oz) (drained)

1 can of green peas (15 oz) (drained)

2 cups uncooked shell macaroni

If express is on your mind, this dish fits the bill. In a large pot, cook shells according to package directions. When done, drain and return to pot. Add soup. Mix well. Add tuna. Mix well. Add half the can of milk. Mix well. Add half the can of peas. Stir. By now the shells should be nice and creamy. If not, add a little more milk and stir. Add as much milk as you want the creaminess of the noodles to be, but no more than the can you have. Heat on stovetop for about 5 minutes and you’re done. Serve with buttered bread.